7 years later…

It’s 00:10am on 13th September as I’m writing this.

I couldn’t sleep, and for some reason I started thinking about when we took Lacie out of school for a “mental health day”.

I looked up the photos and it was 13th September 2019.

7 years ago today.

7 years ago Matt was going to Cornwall for 2 days for work and I told him I needed to come, and to bring Lacie (and Lola because she was 1 year old).

7 years ago, my 5 year old had been in Year 1 for less than 2 weeks, and I had to pull her out for the day for the sake of her mental health.

Lacie had started Reception the year earlier, and my quirky, sassy, creative, singing, dancing, imaginative little girl had turned into one consumed by negative thoughts of wanting to harm herself.

She struggled to make friends because she didn’t know how to do it.

We were told she was “behind” at maths and reading because “she’s always in her own bubble” and we (me & Matt) “need to do more at home with her”.

I can’t tell you how much I wish I’d had the confidence I do now when it comes to her education. The confidence to take her little hand and walk straight out that school and to the beach - her happy place. The confidence to never step foot back in a school.

I completely lost my baby girl, and she lived in a world where she was distressed, compared to others, watched others play together while she walked around alone, was snapped out of her world and imagination and told to do things she didn’t understand; and she began to live in this negative world that she hated and couldn’t escape from.

I have tears running down my face right now because I did that to her.

I kept taking her to school.

I kept trying.

I kept hoping things would change.

I put my baby through trauma that resulted in her ripping her clothes off every morning, and screaming and crying how much she hated me, herself and her life every night, because “everyone goes to school” , “she has to go to school” , “she’ll like it eventually” , “she needs to toughen up”.

But, it turns out none of that was true.

Instead, she had 1.5 years of completely unnecessary trauma that she’s still working through 7 years later.

Somewhere, at some point, an education system decided that kids who are 4 need to start learning certain subjects, in a certain way, at certain times.

If any child doesn’t follow along, they’re wrong. Their parents aren’t doing enough. They’ll “fail”.

Fail at what?!

When lockdown came and Lacie didn’t return to school, she started dancing again. Laughing. Telling me she loved me instead of hated me.

My baby began to feel that life was worth living - how on earth is that failing?

And the biggest thing - she LOVES to read, LOVES to write her own stories, LOVES to beat me at multiplication.

She was capable all along.

She was just completely misunderstood and was pushed into fitting into a system that worked against the way her brain works.

The fact it’s been 7 years is hitting me hard right now though.

7 whole years.

And, I feel like especially for the last 2, but I would say longer, I’ve been focused on other things.

Focused on earning money to renovate the house.

Focused on wanting to help other people I come across.

Focusing on proving my self worth to Matt.

That saying, “the days are long, but the years are short” is hitting me hard tonight.

I think I needed this wake up call.

In my planner for our weekly rhythm, I have 1:1 time with each child once a week.

From 8/9am ish in the morning it’s time for me to focus on them, the afternoons to work, and the evenings back to them.

But, I’ve slacked on it.

I’ve noticed the time, but wanted to finish what I was working on so I could show Matt I’m capable of earning money on my own.

I’d tell the kids, “I want to be able to pay for you to do gymnastics again like you asked so I just want to get this done.”

I’ve completely tied up my self worth to the fact that I don’t earn anything now, and allowed trying to earn my worth to be my priority.

But, it’s taken over every day.

I think I’m done with that now.

My boundaries need to go back in.

My early mornings will be my time to recharge and work on myself.

The kids will all get quality uninterrupted times.

I feel like I’ve wasted years focused on the wrong things.

My babies won’t be babies again.

And, I want to apologise to them for the fact that I’ve not been as present as I want to be.

But, today’s a new chance.

7 years later.

Same me.

I’m just taking all the mistakes I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned into a new beginning.

Here’s to remembering, questioning, and starting again.

To new life and healthy daily rhythms focused on what’s really important.

If you’re in a similar position with school, I wrote something called ‘Parents Survival Guide’ a few years ago about our experience with Lacie, it’s on my website under “ALL PDFs”. My aim was to stop any other person raising a child feeling as alone, confused and desperate as I did.

If your child’s struggling but teachers/family/friends are all saying they “should” be at school, or that you’re not capable of educating them - please take the courage I wish I’d had, take their hand, and walk to their happy place.

Focus on their mind. Their self worth. Their uniqueness. The beauty they bring into this world.

Freedom comes when we take a step back, followed by a courageous one forward onto a new path.

🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼