Getting vulnerable… again 🫣
I feel broken tonight. Pushed to my capacity, and angry that I’m back here again for the 3rd time in 2 years.
Some things I’ve left just in my journal instead of writing here because I don’t want to upset anyone, but it all feels a lot and I just feel like we don’t talk about these times so I wanted to put it out there incase it just helps one other person feel less alone.
I’m also here to receive any advice going if anyone does find this and wants to offer any!
I’ve moved me, the kids & dog into mum & dad’s house. They’re staying over the road with Grandma and their house is also a renovation but they’ve got the attic & a bedroom carpeted and done. I just felt like I desperately needed somewhere to hide away. I have gone back to having 0 self worth living at home, I feel like Matt thinks I do nothing all day because the house is messy and neither me or the kids do things he’d like - and we do things that bug him, but it’s got to a point where it feels like all I do is bug him. The truth is that I have so much to do but the less healthy I am the harder it is to do them. I’ve had the migraines back for the last 9 days straight, I’m dizzy, I’m struggling to find my words, I can’t remember anything and I’m exhausted. I wrote a list of the things I can think of that are mainly daily things but things that Matt wouldn’t really know I do because you don’t really see them and they’re not all getting done at the minute.
I’m scatty anyway, I don’t have a diagnosis but I tick a lot of boxes for ADHD and it can take me an entire day to clean a room because I get distracted in seconds and then I’ve completely forgotten what I was doing until I walk back in the room later.
I tried to write a list of the things I do/would need to do mainly daily, some are weekly to be on top of it all:
Look up recipes for Chester, (breakfast, lunch, dinner & snacks)
Look up recipes for Tyler - high protein - pre & post workout
Work out the cost of the meals
Work out income & outgoings and get all money in pots so we know what we have for each different thing
Order food - order food Lacie will eat - check out offers
Cook meals
Clean up after cooking
Cut up veg in fridge to snack on
Feed Romeo
Walk Romeo
Train Romeo
Brush Romeo
Sit with the kids to find out what they want to learn more about, what they’re interested in, what they’re finding hard, where they want to go and what they want to do over the next month
- explain why I’m asking them to do certain things
Print off their planners to keep updating them
Keep on top of their daily basics to try and build healthy habits in them
Help tidy their room for 30mins Mon-Thurs
1:1 time with the kids 1hr Mon-Thurs
Be around to answer questions/help with morning routine or anything they’re learning
Make sure Lacie, Chester & Lola are getting out and moving each day
Put the dishes on at night
Remind everyone (including myself) to get their dishes in the dishwasher
Empty dishwasher morning
Do a deeper clean of 1 room a day
Put a clothes wash on - find a routine so it’s not endless piles of random clothes
Dry clothes
Fold clothes
Get clothes to bedrooms
Answer all the kids questions
Listen when they want to tell me something/watch them play piano
Play games with them when they ask
Plan days out
Search home ed days for any discounted places we could go
Take them to their clubs/meet friends
Keep on top of the WhatsApp groups for their clubs
Everyday random things:
- library books overdue, finding them and getting them back
- messaging when they want to do work for someone and sorting out when and how to do it
Things I want to do:
create, edit and upload videos
Add resources to my website
Build a community so I’ve got like minded people to chat to
Reply to messages
I know I needed to move out of our home because I’ve got to this point of just feeling completely worthless, but when I look at the kids I don’t know if I’ve made the right choice.
My dad had used the attic and bedroom for storage so I feel guilty that he’s had to tidy it up, and his idea of tidy is completely different to mine so I then feel guilty that I’ve come to his house and feel irritated by it.
My eldest has stayed at home tonight because Matt’s home (he’s usually away during the week), my second one doesn’t want to be here but is trying to support me - but I feel guilty because it should be me supporting her. My third child is finding life hard in general and is taking it out on my 4th child by giving her horrible looks so they’re spending their days shouting at each other. My 4th actually wants to be at my parents’ house.
We moved the mattresses, duvets, clothes, and a couple books/things to do over today. The kids have separated areas in the attic/bedroom.
After what I thought was the last trip moving everything, I listened to my eldest tell me every negative thing he could think of about life right now as we walked from the van to my parents’.
I got in my parents’ house, locked the door and my youngest said she needed an extension lead from home, we were already an hour late for bed by this point but I knew she wouldn’t settle if she didn’t have everything how she wanted it.
As I walked back to the van, my eldest came and said he doesn’t want to stay at my parents’ and went to get all of his stuff he’d just taken into their house to go back home.
My second child then appeared in the road, she was upset by the way my eldest was speaking but was just wandering around the road so I asked her to go Grandma’s to wait for me.
I dropped my eldest off, got the extension lead, got my 2nd child back and went up to my parents’.
There was already a mattress at my parents’ that my 3rd child wanted - but we’d brought his one over from home.
He refused to let anyone sleep on it, then relented to allowing them to sleep on it but with a clean sheet.
I knew I’d brought one over but couldn’t find it anywhere.
I went back out and checked the van, then went to my grandma’s - they only had doubles but the child sleeping on the mattress can’t sleep with any creases, they need a sheet that fits the mattress (the kids all also have neurodivergent traits).
I got back to my parents’ and figured I just have to find/remember where I’ve put the one I brought over.
I then realised my phone was on 5% and the kids will need music to sleep, so I put my phone on my charger that charges my phone and watch and nothing happened. I pulled out and pushed in the lead, wiggled the bottom lead, changed sockets, did everything I could think of but it’s just stopped working.
I cried.
I’m now sat on the bed that one of the kids told me was mine… then found out it’s a bed him & Dad got from the dump that hasn’t been washed and I don’t have a sheet for.
It all feels too much. It all stems from shame and low self worth and I think that’s the hardest part.
I know I would be healthier on my own because I wouldn’t have anyone unhappy with anything I do, I wouldn’t annoy anyone or feel like I’m doing anything wrong. But, at the same time I’ve grown to love Matt in ways I didn’t know was possible and I don’t want to let that disappear.
I just really miss the old me. I liked being capable. I liked being able to help others. I liked always seeing the bright side. I liked laughing all day.
The kids want answers, they want to know how long we’re staying at my parents’ and I have no answers to give them. If I could fix my marriage, magic up money to renovate the house - and pay for someone that doesn’t have a scatty brain to help clean the house then I’d do it tomorrow, but none of those things are quick fixes or possible right now so I just don’t know what to say.
A big part of me didn’t want to write about this openly because I know so many people say, “there are bigger problems”.
I’m so aware that the world is screwed up in so many ways, and we’re fortunate in so many ways.
But, it doesn’t take away from the fact that we all have a level of capacity at any given time. And in this moment, I’ve reached mine.
I know this is a season.
I know that no matter how life looks, moving forward it can be healthy and I can get back to laughing through the harder parts.
I know there’s beauty in this mess.