Physical & mental exhaustion... and shame - 7th July 2025
I finally managed to be disciplined enough, (and get my mind to switch off!) to get to sleep early last night - and then actually get up when my 4:50am alarm went off this morning.
I’ve mentioned loads of times before that I feel so much healthier when I get up at 5am… but, when I fall out of the rhythm of doing it it’s so hard to get back into!
For, probably a couple months (I’m crap at timings though so it could be 1 month or 6months!) I’ve just felt unable to open my eyes every morning. My whole body has felt exhausted, and I would wake up lacking the strength to face the reality of needing to live another day (by this I mean having the mental ability to answer the kids’ questions, make meals, organise my mind so I can get washing on and dishes in the dishwasher etc. These are the things that have felt exhausting since last year and I’ve mostly just been unable to do them… which is beyond frustrating for someone who likes to think they’re completely independent 🙃!)
Last night I asked God to give me the strength to get up when my alarm goes off. To allow my eyes to actually open without involuntarily shutting again, and ignore the feeling of needing to stay in my comfort zone - my bed where it’s warm and everyone is asleep so it’s quiet and I have no responsibilties.
And he did.
Just FYI, this is something I’ve asked God a few times lately, and I’d wake… turn my alarm off… then tell myself I needed more sleep and quietly close my eyes again… wake up with the kids getting up later and feel instant regret that I didn’t get up at that sweet spot when everywhere around me feels quiet!
But, today, my alarm went off.
I stopped it. Paused. Sighed. And got up.
I made a drink, put the lamp on in the lounge, grabbed my Bible, sat down on the sofa, picked my phone up to put on Lectio365 and spotted that the ‘memories’ photo on my phone was when I bought the roof tent 3 years ago… and in that moment I was FILLED with shame.
It was unexpected shame because I’ve loved the adventures in our roof tent.
But, it was there, and it was BIG. It filled my body and I felt sick looking at the photo.
Thoughts of, ‘the roof tent is heavy so it uses more fuel as I drive around which means I’m wasting more of Matt’s money because I’m still not working.’
‘I’ve not used it half as much as I wanted to, so it’s been a waste of Matt’s money.’
‘I needed Matt’s help to get it on the van and it wasn’t an easy job.’
‘The kids didn’t have an amazing time in it every second they were in it so it was a waste of money.’
‘I screwed up again.’
‘I was only thinking of myself again.’
‘Why can’t I just be like Matt and not want to travel? To be content having a job that looks like the majority of other people’s, and just join everyone else in getting up and going to work regardless of how I feel about it.’
‘Why do I long for adventure when Matt wants to stay still?’
Shame is paralysing.
It’s also a downward spiral that keeps you wrapped up in more shame.
When we moved, I bought 2 robot vacuums, both are currently broken and I need to get them to the UPS drop off which is literally the shop at the bottom of our road, 2 mins walk down the hill.
But, now my head is full of, ‘if you weren’t lazy you wouldn’t have bought vacuums that mean you only have to press a button, so you wouldn’t have broken ones now.’
Matt bought an industrial vacuum for cleaning up all the bits of rubble etc. that comes with renovating a house. That one works. So my head is also at, ‘Matt managed to buy something that worked…’
This is why I find it so hard to stay married. Or stay around anyone really!
I feel like I screw up on repeat and that the screw ups disqualify me from having the right to value or worth.
I feel like I need to be perfect.
But, although I know there’s no such thing as perfect, I feel like my personality is just soooooo far away! So, I feel stuck in not feeling good enough.
***
This isn’t the first time I’ve been stuck in this pattern, so I know from before that my view of myself needs to come from God.
I know this is why I had that image a few years ago of Jesus washing me clean, completely clean, completely forgiven… because I continually tell myself I’m not.
So, this morning, feeling that shame I searched ‘shame’ in The Bible Project and started listening to the podcast ‘Honor-Shame Culture and the Gospel’.
I felt really cold on the sofa so I put my head under the blanket as well… and ended up falling asleep for another 4 hours!
I re-listened when I woke, and these are the phrases that have stuck in my head:
“A human’s value is not defined by a group, or their family.”
“Your value is defined by your Creator and what your Creator has done for you in Jesus.”
***
So, my to-do list today consists of:
Taking my value out of Matt’s hands (he didn’t ask for it) and giving it to God.
Seeing myself through God’s eyes. He’s clear that he knows I screw up, he sees it all. But he still wants to walk with me, work with me, love me.
Focusing my mind back to God when it wanders into feeling crappy.
Surrounding myself in worship music
Laying in bed long enough to have the energy to sit in the garden in this gorgeous sunshine!
I share my thoughts knowing that there are others who really struggle with similar things, so hopefully all this vulnerability is worth it!
Have a gorgeous day x